Friday, December 19, 2014

On road not taken

Everybody talks about roads less traveled, how they are fascinating and worthwhile. I want to talk about a road that is not taken. How do you know if you have not walked the road that the road would have been beautiful or full of treachery?  You would never know. There is this feeling of a loss, may be a loss of experience more than anything else when you walk away and join the mainstream.

Once you join the mainstream, you blend in, act as if you belong and make no noise so that no one can recognize you, especially the fellow travelers who did not take the road less traveled. You try to avoid them at the same time thinking about the hypothetical scenario of taking that road - you can only romanticize for that choice happen to be in the past.

I certainly do not belong where I am right now but, I am getting domesticated. I will one day become what others are now.  At that point of time, I might belong, I will even enjoy the rat race. How to survive till that point is a mystery. For one missed opportunity - there may be other opportunities coming my way or may be not!

Friday, October 12, 2012

One of the unfinished posts


Time:  9:30 PM Location: Mid air - Indigo flight from Delhi to Mumbai

The other day, on my travel back to Delhi, I was joined by a couple in my row on the flight. They were into late 10's early 20s - definitely not anywhere near when the sense of insecurity obscures one's choice of costumes, language and many other things. It will not be honest if I say I loathed that attitude, I like the brazen chicks with a daredevil attitude showing cleavage unless they are my kith and kin - oh well, I am a hypocrite!

Guy: Look at what these guys have written on travel tips to Delhi
Girl: What is it?
Guy: Avoid Public Displays of Affection to stay out of trouble, It does not suit the culture
Girl: What the f&*k , they have written it?
(At this point, the lights were dim enough for me not to get what they were up to. #justsaying)

The topics of conversation from then on varied from the last party they were going to, how the girl doesn't want the guy to drink on this trip for the reason that she doesn't like it when she is wasted, how the guy smartly avoided girl whom he owed some money so on and so forth.



Requiem for a blog

When I think about my past, there are things that I miss in my journey towards becoming what I am and what I will be. The very characteristics that defined me at one point of time. The very things gave me a lot of pleasure in doing it. Let me write about one of them today!

I used to love blogging - The reasons of which I still cannot understand fully. I used to love the fact that people take time to read what I thought and some of them even took time to think and leave comments. It was liberating to see that I am not walking alone, no matter what road I took. It used to be the confirmations that I belong in here - there are like minded people and afterall, as much as I hated the crowd, I needed some people to resonate my thoughts.

Then somewhere down the line, I lost the habit. I would like to believe I got busy but, the truth is I ran out of topics to write about. Things that I cared about, things I thought I could share with the world, things I thought will bring in a slight difference in perspective. I stopped blogging - Looking back, I think I became a lot more mechanical than I used to be.

It was the same time I lost faith in love and emotions, it was the same time I started rationalizing everything I do, it is the same time I started being a lot more cynical than I should be, it is the same time I realized that money is a yard stick to measure one's success.

Man, I have changed - I do not know what changed me but, I have. The pragmatist in me still thrives and he finds a place in the world. He knows that his mind will never be at peace but, I think he has given up.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Dilemma

What I feel towards the outside world is very difficult to put in words - I loathe the world enough to enjoy spending time indoors all weekends. At the same time, I crave the human interaction on weekdays to make my job bearable. Do I love the world or hate it? It seems the answer is not as simple as I thought it would be - Like most of the things I have to do in life.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Delayed Gratification

Back when I was in fifth standard, I used to be a very competitive student - I used to do what it takes to stand first in the class. Those days, the position where you sat was dictated by how good a student you were. The best student sat in the first bench in the first position and the worst in the last bench in the last position. Promotion or demotion was simple, if you made a mistake in one of the exercises in the class(we did have a variety of them), you lost your spot to people who scored above you. I think it was a fantastic method to inculcate a certain kind of behavior.


Most of the students who attended fifth standard were new to each other. Everyone coveted that first position in the class and the longer one can sustain that it is a great achievement. The key to it was to prepare for every possible chance to get to the top. I for one craved that first position which was ever eluding for a few weeks since the school started.

Not that I was doing bad in the tests, in fact I was doing well, so were the people above me. I thought, I would never reach the first position if all of them do that well forever. The key to it was doing well consistently and a few weeks later, I eventually climbed up the ladder and stayed there for a long time.

The fellow whom I was trying to beat really bad for a few weeks, his performance deteriorated over a period of time. He became second, third... and in a couple of years he was deemed to be a back bencher and academically challenged. I have no doubt in my mind that his IQ was not that bad to deserve that, he lacked something else, definitely not intelligence.

Probably, what he lacked was the ability to delay gratification which apparently I did well then. So once he lost his position he could never fight back, he gave up on that.

A couple of decades passed and I feel I am in the same position as he was then now, I can't sustain my efforts, I can't hold on for a delayed gratification, I always think I am set up for failure. I think I should believe and get back on the game and play it to the rules! so much for delayed gratification

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Next Version

In this electronic era, one has to reinvent and come up with new versions every now and then. I am working on a new release of myself which will be

1. Better at networking capabilities
2. Less prone to depression and anxiety
3. 50% more organized than the current version

The release is planned to be out by August 15th.

In other news

1. I do not approve Baba Ramdev and his methods - That doesnt mean I support corruption but, I am not dumb enough to trust a Yoga commercializer to point my country in the right direction.

2. I respect women but, I do not support slut walk - I am not a rapist and I do not want to be treated as one.

3. About Lokpal bill and Anna Hazare - I have downgraded myself from an ardent supporter to a supporter

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Note to self

Do not try to be what you are not, not even in desperate circumstances, it will come back and haunt you - forever! If you ask me one mistake I did, I would have to say I did not belong to the places I have been. Why so? I never lived -I was running, I never enjoyed - I was getting through, I was never passionate - I always cribbed. Somewhere I should have stood up and said "Enough of this" and walked away.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Questions

I am getting married in less than 10 days now and strangely, I am not into it at all. It is a deadly mental state, something significant is going to happen in one's life and he is least bothered. How do I explain my state of mind - Well, let me try..

It is not the pre-marriage panic, had it been that, I would at least know I am worried. It is the lack of urgency that bothers me, my Family - there they are, trying hard to make all the arrangements for the wedding and here I am, sitting with complete lack of interest. I am neither happy nor unhappy, I have no idea how to deal with the marriage thing, nor am I bothered to think about it.

There are hundreds of things I can do when I think about it. I can go gaga about the wedding - call people, issue death threats if they do not attend most important day in my life. I cannot find any enthusiasm to do all these things, to me - I act as if the day is just another one. Have I lost it? I do not want to think like that - is this some self realization thingie that is happening to me? Am I being indifferent? or is it just that I have lost interest in things? Do I have a problem? (a mental one that too, pretty scary)

Now that when I think about it - It is not only about wedding - it is there at work too. Am I losing the plot? or is it just another phase? I think I need some of those pills which gives a lot of energy, but energy is not enthusiasm or is it???

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Inadequecies

My own inadequacies makes me wonder how did I survive till now without doing anything significant. I always chose the easy path, the one which gave the least pain under the circumstances. I never stood up for anything and I firmly believed there is nothing wrong with it. Now, one may ask what is wrong with all these. There is nothing wrong as long as one is okay with the consequences but rarely do I find me without the frustration. Now, should I pull up the socks and do something significant? Or should I just give up and not give a shit about what's going on. The latter seems likely, even though it might not be as smooth as it looks on paper.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Goal!

Speed thrills but kills, I read
Mind assured me nothing to dread
Instant gratification in the name of passions
Race to glory in the game of emotions

There is no future, there is no past
Only the moment and the ravishing blast
Into the wild, onto the nervy finale
Tales we will buzz after the tally